Scientist calls for boycott on paper blankets
(Told from young Isaac Welsh’s point of view.)
I was sent from heaven to earth as a kind of scientist. Scientists use their senses, and my particular specialty at the moment involves tasting. I take my work seriously, and if I am interrupted, I’m likely to let you have it in the form of crying or similar types of protest. Scientists do not like to be bothered with trivial things such as having our diapers changed or to be fed something that you want to feed us at a particular time. Our agenda is set on higher things.
All scientists know that one must test a theory several times before reaching any conclusion. What kind of testing am I up to? Well, I can’t disclose too much information, but I can tell you that it involves a lot of tasting. For example, I have tasted crumbs that I threw on the floor that were missed during one of the multiple daily sweeps. I’d give it a medium rating as the bread was harder and took some sucking to dissolve. I have also tasted several large plastic objects varying in textures, and while they are great for knocking against other things, such as lamps, they don’t taste very interesting.
Now, paper is tasty. Magazines, a brother’s homework, a letter: all very interesting. That crinkling noise is an added bonus.
I have found pros and cons to some paper products. I have spent a great deal of time over the past few months studying the paper blankie. One pro of a paper blankie is that it makes a nice light cap. Its texture is soft on your head, and it has the perfect size, fitting just a little over your ears. A paper blankie can shift over one’s eyes if used as a hat, but this can easily be taken care of. As everyone knows, scientists hate not being able to see, an important sense, don’t you know. Another great thing that a paper blankie can be used for is to tear up into little pieces, great for tasting, I might add.
Now other scientists have run into the same obstacles I have, and that is that our assistant thinks she is the boss. Yes, you know those TALL assistants who walk on their feet and not on their hands and knees. These assistants just haven’t figured out that being closer to the ground allows them a much better view of some scientific materials, like cat food (very tasty) and pieces of fuzz (very annoying as the assistant pounces on you for these, definitely an interesting texture though and sometimes chewy). If your assistant is anything like mine, she doesn’t let you study anything tiny which can be a tear jerking experience, believe me.
Oh, sorry. I got off track. These assistants insist on taking away the paper blankies and say things like, “No, yucky.” Obviously, this is why she is the assistant, and I am the scientist. She hasn’t had much experience tasting them.
Sometimes assistants think they have to find their own uses for things. Take the paper blankies, again. My assistant tries cleaning my nose with them. I just HATE this. I feel, I feel, I feel like she is trying to suffocate me. . . perhaps to get my job? I swing my head forward and backward, side to side. Oh, but she is stronger and more determined that I not taste that gooey stuff that flew out of my nose.
While paper blankies have lots of great uses including tossing them to watch them float or just to hold for comfort reasons, the insistence of our assistants to use them in such a fashion has driven me to call for a boycott on paper blankies. Will you hop on the bandwagon? It is imperative that we stand together or our assistants will put us out of a job!
Oh, oh, oh! In my excitement I lost my balance and fell over. Where is my assistant? What is taking her so long? (Sniff) Oh, no! Not the paper blankie!
Now, well. . . I suppose that wasn’t so bad. One thing that is nice is that after the ordeal of having one’s nose wiped, if you cry hard enough, she’ll hug you close and pat your back and tell you what a handsome young man you are. We scientists are a lucky bunch as we usually get lots of kisses too.
So maybe we shouldn’t get rid of these paper blankies. I’ll just have to study this some more.
Where did my assistant go again? I must keep her in view at all times.
“Mamamamamama.” Oh, she likes it when I call her that. Did you see her smile? Let’s just keep those paper blankies. Did I mention they taste fine?
Happy birthday, Isaac! This is a reprinted Reflections column from when Isaac was a wee one.